A missed few days.

Been busy with finishing Web sites...

and a rave.

Now Dow is down 777 points. At least it's a lucky number.

More later.

Yellow backwards is Wolley

As I sit and stare straight ahead on the metro. The big letters hold my attention. "Yellow."

Nothing is black and white.

Metronoming....

Swinging back and forth. Now I'm in the middle. When I start working and getting into things, everything else seems trivial. No time to be happy or sad, healthy or unhealthy, there is only what I do.

Currently: building my own AS3 video player. Even though, I was told not to do it. I just feel better that I can control everything on the Web site I am working on. It's almost done. I just need to put together the volume controls together tomorrow. Should be easy. And then I'll skin it to look kick ass. Plop it into the html, create the main nav. CSS up the about page... Maybe touch up some design elements. Woo. This is kind of fun... If I only could put this much effort into my own Web site... But that's next... along with Mary's site. And then I would have done 3 kick-ass sites. Hopefully land me a job. Or maybe a few more gigs, at least.

Yeh...

The worst kind of feeling

If you were to go through all my blogs, all my journals, all my rantings, you could probably find that I write about this a lot. Maybe it's the sort of masochistic exercise that I believe may make me feel better. Welcome to the pity party. I hate feeling it. But if I were in control, why would I want to?

It's really easy to become the total opposite. Love can easily become hatred; happiness, sadness.

It always make me remember Catullus. And that poster that a girl in my Latin class made.

"Odi et amo, Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior." - Catullus 85

"I hate and I love, Why do I do this perhaps you ask.

I do not know, but I feel it and I am tortured."


And this feeling just makes you want to be with someone. But the right person is never there, and never has been.

And you are flying through the air and it's almost tranquil. It's not happiness because it can't be this empty but it's not sadness because your heart is racing as if you were in love.

And whether it's window that's a little too clean, or a guy who just learned to ride a bike when he's nearly twenty, there's an obstacle that ends your flight a little too early. And you flutter to the ground with now useless wings.

Maybe that person was waiting just beyond. But you will never know.

When you think about all that, life just becomes a ticking clock. A metronome keeping the pace of your heart and you footsteps, your breath and your pulse.

And you just wait. Until the battery dies.

In the meantime, the realization of how selfish these thoughts are make me think about other people. I'm happy for a lot of them. I'm sad for a lot of others. But generally I'm just despaired by how people treat each other. I'd like to think I was optimistic once. I'd like to think I laughed a lot and was happy and nice a lot. I hope I was. I always thought that I would be happy if I could make the people around me happy. The trouble is, I haven't found anybody to dedicate my life to, to make smile everyday and to devote every tick of my living clock to make life worth living.

But there's still time. I think. I hope.

Sing along

It happens when you least expect it. When there's no reason for it. And even, there's every reason for it not to happen.

But sometimes I just look at the sky and can't help but smile.

And I think about why I would be happy at all and come up with all these possible reasons, which only make me happier.

And tomorrow doesn't matter. And life seems like the biggest concert you've been to and all you want to do is to sing along.

Double you tea eff.

I just saw the best wtf movie ever. Burn after reading. It was hilarious. I laughed so hard, I started crying.

Right before movie though, as I was walking into the theater in chinatown, there were two kids leaning against a column and I almost did a double take because I could've sworn I heard them direct some racial slurs at me as I walked past. I have never heard them spoken before. I thought that was the thing of the 40s and 50s or something. I was almost just semi-impressed that they even knew of the existence of these words which I thought to be extinct. Seriously, I don't think I have heard this word spoken in English since my history class in high school in an academic context. (Although I have heard it in Chinese a few times, doesn't have the same feet-stopping effect though). But I chocked it up to my imagination and just left. But about 3/4 of me wanted to stop and ask "Did you just say what I think you said?"

But, then again, words have power only because we give it power.

Or maybe I'm too lax with confronting this sort of thing, or perhaps guilty myself of participating in such racist mockery as well. When it comes from friends and family, to a certain extent, it seems to be jest and an act of "because we're so close, we can say that sh- and be ok". But maybe it shouldn't be ok. Maybe that only leads the rest of the world thinking it's ok to say these things and then one step further, to act upon the thoughts that these words may encourage.

This small incident also brought to mind another one that happened to me not long after I got to DC. In a GameStop. I was browsing some games and I could've sworn these little 12-year-olds or maybe even younger were muttering racial slurs/mockery directed at me. I had also just chocked it up to my imagination and ignored it. Maybe it was just me thinking that everyone's talking about me, when they are not. But still, the thought of such young kids in the 21st century in the capital of the US saying this sh- is despicable to say the least.

I mean, are these the things we are teaching to the next generation? That racial slurs directed at people of any race is no biggie? Am I making too big a deal out of this?

On top of all this, DC began a program of paying cash to students in middle school for going to school and behaving well. Up to $100 a month.

That is paying kids for doing what they are supposed to do? For avoiding doing bad things? We seriously have to pay people to do that?

Why don't we pay bank robbers to stop robbing banks? Offer sex to rapists so they don't go raping people?

I think this just exacerbates a growing mentality of insincerity. We're teaching the notion that you should be a good functional member of society, not because it's the right thing to do, not because it would advance and benefit your future, but because we will give you $100 a month.

But, on the other side of the fence, that's not unlike giving kids an allowance. You get it if you are good, not if you are bad. It's certainly a practical, business-like solution. But $100 a month is kind of a lot.

More wtf moments:

Today after the movie, I was approached by 3 different sets of people asking for directions. I'm glad that I appear trustworthy and responsible enough for people think that a) I actually am a "native" to the area b) I can give clear directions and c) I would be willing to impart said directions.

So I was happy that they approached me.

Now, if they only knew... how poor a sense of direction I have... I have actually pointed multiple people in the opposite direction from where they needed to go before... not to mess with them, but because I genuinely believed it to be the right way... (The funny thing was on at least 2 occasions, there was actually a rather large sign on the other side of the street with a huge arrow pointing to where they wanted to go... neither of us saw it...)

But yeh, they didn't know that I drove up into Virginia from central NC when I was trying to head due east to the Outer Banks...

Poor, misguided tourists. If only you had not judged my knowledge of the city by my appearance and knew that the only way I can get around these days is to look at the map on my iPhone...

Faces

I forgot to elaborate on the "concerns" I talked about in my previous post.

Essentially it centers on privacy and the faces we put on to interact with different people.

My main concern is people keep on saying, be careful what you put on your blog. Employers are looking into that and facebook, etc. etc. And all that has been floating around for the past few years... nothing really new.

But still, I think I do a good job of keeping some things to myself, only the very few. Mostly because I value openness. Some people think I keep too much to myself, though. I think only really because I'm really not keeping it secret, but that I don't understand it myself either or am ambivalent about something. This sounds vague... But I guess it's like if someone asks me what I think about something or how I feel about something and I just shrug my shoulders, I'm not trying to hide anything, I really just don't know, don't care or it wouldn't have made a positive contribution to the conversation if I said anything.

Digression is the enemy of blog entries.

So really, I guess, it's not about privacy as much as the masks and faces that we wear everyday.

Like superheroes.

Spiderman is my favorite superhero and superman is not too shabby either (notice both are journalists).

As with a lot of superheros, privacy and identity are issues exaggerated from very real issues that we as commonfolk face.

I rememeber watching a special once where the psychology of a superhero was being analyzed. What I remember from it was that we have a different identity at work, at home, with our friends, with our lovers, etc. Much like the alter-egos of Peter Parker and Clark Kent.

Eventually we are faced with a dilemma. Am I Spiderman or am I Peter Parker?

Similiarly, should my life dictate my job or should my job dictate my life?
What do I put first? My career, my family, my friends, my religion, my political beliefs....

I went to Target the other day with a friend and this girl. We walked down an aisle and saw one of those ornaments that says "FAMILY" and other that says "friends" in a block of wood.

They happen to be next to literally a bundle of sticks (which you can gather in the woods in like 10 minutes) that was priced at 30 dollars...

But that's not the point. Matt pulled on the "friends" block and said to Liz: "The difference between you and me and is that I value this and you value this [pointing at the "FAMILY" block as he spoke the last three words]"

And I thought about me, what do I value? (Why is it always about me? I don't like thinking about it. It's kind of selfish..)

And I didn't know. I know my family would say I value my friends more. My gut instincts tell me that too. But the way I have lived my life doesn't necessarily say that. Family is still important to me. I have an obligation to that above really anything else. But that doesn't mean I have to talk to you everyday or do special things for you all the time. You already know that you are special and important to me and that's nothing for me that can make our relationship be anything else. It's permanent and always there. I think that's I try to put more effort on my friends, the fear that it's not permanent and that it might, as it has in the past, fade away.

I don't know where I am going with this. This post was too heavy and pointless.

In a nutshell:
1. Be care what to put on blogs and facebook pages. But use them to network.
2. The beginnings of an identity crisis?

Some meaning to the Title. And no pink today, but one.

I only saw one person wear pink today.

That was my main thought of the day. This should make more sense when I tell you that I use Head and Shoulders to wash my hair. (I couldn't find a link to the commercials... but hopefully you know what I'm talking about. If not, watch more TV.)

Before I go any further, I should put in a plug for my work... So here it is, my work of the day:

It's an older one, but hey, it's been a while since I posted anything. And my portfolio site isn't really to grace the world just yet. The new version anyway...

And now, back to the regularly scheduled programming:

I got a message from a friend a few hours ago who said she found my blog and thought it was amusing. And I was glad. A) that people (or person...) actually read it. and B) I at least entertained one person in my life. I'm not as boring as I thought, eh?

But that raised also some concerns, which evidently is what I named this blog "I got nothin'".

No, I'm not trying to belittle myself or say I have no talent and thereby either drive potential employers away or passive-aggressively try to guilt you into giving me a job. (But hey, if it works, I'll take it.)

But really, when I first started, I tried to come up with a purpose for the blog. And, seriously, I got nothin'. So that's what I named it.

But thoughts and dreams, I guess that's what I want this blog to be. I'll try not to go into the what I had for lunch or dinner, or where I went shopping today.

And I'll try to keep it short. And regular.

I'm half an hour late today, though. I wanted to post on all even days. But I left my keys at work. But I also wanted to post on 9/11. So I guess now I killed 2 birds with one stone.

Well, this post totally did not go how it was planned out in my head 2 hours ago. It was much more articulate and witty. I was also going to tie in some current events and some actually important and relevant things to give more purpose to my blog. But alas, it's already 1230am.

So let me quickly end by answering my friend's question:
I am looking for other opportunities right now. My current employer may not continue my contract, though he may give me freelance work.

It's easy to wear green.

Something cool I made in Flash for NatGeo. It's a navigational tool for this new technology by Microsoft, called Photosynth. Not excited that the actually photosynths only works on PCs, but hey, got my work out, so it's cool.

Ok, so what's with the green thing in the title?

Well, I just noticed today that a lot of people were wearing green. So, that's all. It's kind of like sometimes on Wednesdays I see a lot of people wearing pink.

Dance, robot, dance!

Since I can't really think of anything to say today, I decided to put up this video of a 3d animation I did almost a year ago, also available on YouTube.

Grow up, Google

Among the top five companies I trusted and respected was Google.

That is, until last week.

NatGeo (the magazine. the online part.) decided to launch an advertising campaign for a puzzle generator we have on the Web site for MyShot/YourShot.

And so I, being the Design/Development Assistant (aka office programming b*tch, apparently), was graced with the task of making banner and tower ads for the Web site. Originally they were designed for internal use, and I made them in AS3. A week into development (when they were done), I was told they were to be used through Google flash ads

That was ok. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Just add in a few lines of code and it would be done, right?

Little did I know...

these "few" lines of code would haunt me for 2 months.

For 2 months (possible hyperbole), I tried to fit those lines of code in. And it works. On our server. And possibly with every server in existence. Except Google.

Sure Google is one of the leading pioneers in internet innovations. Sure working for Google must be a dream come true for our generation.

But tell me, why would such a company say that they supported ads built in AS3 when the reality is otherwise. (I was specifically emailed that there was a problem from the "back-end" programmers. Yes, ambiguously named "tech" person. When you don't have an answer, push the responsibility to someone else.)

Why would you, a forward thinking (I hope) company, want me to go back and redo my work in an older language, using older technology? This is like asking me to convert my mp3 track of MIA's "Paper Planes" so that you can play it on your 8-track player thingie (what are they called, anyway?).

I mean, really? Google? You're killing me, smalls.

So yeah, Google just fell out of my top five. Maybe 6, right now.

Lessons learned:

1.) Never work with marketing folks again.
2.) Do not trust people over the phone who have ambiguously gendered names as well as voices.

Work, Eat, Sleep, repeat

An unusual thing about days that repeat themselves: sometimes it can be kind of comforting.

That was yesterday. It went kind of blissful, in the sort of mechanical way that perhaps... a cold efficient factory might be. Everything was in its place and went according to the plan. No birds in the window. No butterfly in front of a bike. No speeding car in Africa.

Very much just waiting. Something to come along. Like sitting on the beach, listening to the waves crash by, waiting for the sun to set.

But then there are days like today. That start with a paper cut. So that all day, it is amazingly difficult to type. I'm not even sure it was a paper cut. I didn't even handle really any paper at all.

And so it began with a search. For a band-aid. And of course, medical is closed. I thought security would have one. And after 10 minutes of extensive searching through comprehensive first aid kits twice the size of any of my luggage back home, the guard finally handed me the band-aid. By which time, I might as well have gone across the street and bought some at one of the ubiquitous CVS pharmacies.

Incidentally Ivy showed up at security. One of the interns I met through another intern over the summer. She didn't really seem to acknowledge me much. I think I semi-made it awkward by hanging around to say hi, but then she was busy trying to get something done with security and I already bandaged my index finger. So I left.

And the rest of the day just kinda... was. Work, Eat, Sleep, and tomorrow, repeat. Until I'm out of a job. At which point I will just eat and sleep.

An Extended Weekend Spent.... Where did it go?

A bird flew into my window today. Thud.

I thought the guys moving in next door threw something at me.

I didn't know what to do.

My first instinct was to look for first aid gloves so I could try to take care of it.

But then I remembered that I used up my last pair a while ago in Africa when Nick got hit by a car.

And I didn't want to catch illness from it. Not so much that I would get sick but people who interact with me might.

In retrospect, I should've done something.

It's always like that, isn't it?

In retrospect.

If I had only known.

So instead, on the only side of the glass. I hoped that it was only stunned. That it would get up and fly away.

It was still breathing. Then he spread his wings and almost stood up.

And as sudden as he moved, he stopped. He folded his wings to his side and blinked one last time. He gave up. Content to accept the fate that was handed to him by the window. Where he saw an opportunity and a entrance to another world, only death awaits.

And I just watched.

And the 4-day weekend was over.