The worst kind of feeling
If you were to go through all my blogs, all my journals, all my rantings, you could probably find that I write about this a lot. Maybe it's the sort of masochistic exercise that I believe may make me feel better. Welcome to the pity party. I hate feeling it. But if I were in control, why would I want to?
It's really easy to become the total opposite. Love can easily become hatred; happiness, sadness.
It always make me remember Catullus. And that poster that a girl in my Latin class made.
"Odi et amo, Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior." - Catullus 85
"I hate and I love, Why do I do this perhaps you ask.
I do not know, but I feel it and I am tortured."
And this feeling just makes you want to be with someone. But the right person is never there, and never has been.
And you are flying through the air and it's almost tranquil. It's not happiness because it can't be this empty but it's not sadness because your heart is racing as if you were in love.
And whether it's window that's a little too clean, or a guy who just learned to ride a bike when he's nearly twenty, there's an obstacle that ends your flight a little too early. And you flutter to the ground with now useless wings.
Maybe that person was waiting just beyond. But you will never know.
When you think about all that, life just becomes a ticking clock. A metronome keeping the pace of your heart and you footsteps, your breath and your pulse.
And you just wait. Until the battery dies.
In the meantime, the realization of how selfish these thoughts are make me think about other people. I'm happy for a lot of them. I'm sad for a lot of others. But generally I'm just despaired by how people treat each other. I'd like to think I was optimistic once. I'd like to think I laughed a lot and was happy and nice a lot. I hope I was. I always thought that I would be happy if I could make the people around me happy. The trouble is, I haven't found anybody to dedicate my life to, to make smile everyday and to devote every tick of my living clock to make life worth living.
But there's still time. I think. I hope.
It's really easy to become the total opposite. Love can easily become hatred; happiness, sadness.
It always make me remember Catullus. And that poster that a girl in my Latin class made.
"Odi et amo, Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior." - Catullus 85
"I hate and I love, Why do I do this perhaps you ask.
I do not know, but I feel it and I am tortured."
And this feeling just makes you want to be with someone. But the right person is never there, and never has been.
And you are flying through the air and it's almost tranquil. It's not happiness because it can't be this empty but it's not sadness because your heart is racing as if you were in love.
And whether it's window that's a little too clean, or a guy who just learned to ride a bike when he's nearly twenty, there's an obstacle that ends your flight a little too early. And you flutter to the ground with now useless wings.
Maybe that person was waiting just beyond. But you will never know.
When you think about all that, life just becomes a ticking clock. A metronome keeping the pace of your heart and you footsteps, your breath and your pulse.
And you just wait. Until the battery dies.
In the meantime, the realization of how selfish these thoughts are make me think about other people. I'm happy for a lot of them. I'm sad for a lot of others. But generally I'm just despaired by how people treat each other. I'd like to think I was optimistic once. I'd like to think I laughed a lot and was happy and nice a lot. I hope I was. I always thought that I would be happy if I could make the people around me happy. The trouble is, I haven't found anybody to dedicate my life to, to make smile everyday and to devote every tick of my living clock to make life worth living.
But there's still time. I think. I hope.
posted by Rick at
7:55 PM
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